Bad Habit
by Im Hiding From Haters
Summary: Dark thoughts and Bad habits of one Spencer Reid.. TW: Suicide and Self harm.


**_My First one shot and my first songfic! Has anyone else noticed that so far most of my stories have taken a darker turn or is it just__ me?_**

_Biting keeps your words at bay_  
_Tending to the sores that stay_  
_Happiness is just a gash away_

I bit my lip as they teased me, it almost started to bleed. Didn't they understand? It always hurt more then I let on but I couldn't blame them, there was always something wrong with me. Ever since I was young things never seemed to be ok. I'll be ok I just need to make one more scar, it always helped..

_When i open a familiar scar_  
_Pain goes shooting like a star_  
_Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far..._

The razor blade pierced my skin, I never felt so relieved. Of course I felt the pain, it stung and burned as tears stinged at my eyes but after the pain comfort always followed. At least I hoped it would always follow..

_And you might say it's self-indulgent_  
_You might say its self-destructive_

They could never find out, I just can't let them. They wouldn't understand why I did this and I probably wouldn't let them. I know it's not healthy, they might even think I'm slowly destroying myself but maybe I am.

_But, you see, it's more productive_  
_Than if i were to be healthy_

I'm not healthy, I'm not even sane anymore, at least I don't think I am. I always feared this would happened, but now that THEY have finally come, I welcome the distraction. Is this what I've been driven to? God help me...

_& pens and penknives take the blame_  
_Crane my neck & scratch my name_  
_But the ugly marks_  
_Are worth the momentary gain..._

What's wrong with me?! Is this all I can do to feel better now? Why did I get driven to scratching at my skin when I couldn't get to my blade just to feel something again? The marks are worth it, just for a minute to feel nothing, to feel numb..

_When i jab a sharpened object in_  
_Choirs of angels seem to sing_  
_Hymns of hate in memorandum_

I can't help but love it, the feeling, the pain. I suppose I'm a masochist, but I think I always have been.. I've closed everyone off now, my mind now is simply my sole company.

_And you might say it's self-indulgent_  
_And you might say it's self-destructive_  
_But, you see, it's more productive_  
_Than if i were to be happy_

I'm stuck like this, stuck on the thought of what would happen.. They would never understand, they would be disgusted. Maybe they would even pity me, feel bad because I'm so weak. When did that turn into a form of comfort? I just wanted to feel happiness from it, is that too much to ask?

_And sappy songs about sex and cheating_  
_Bland accounts of two lovers meeting_  
_Make me want to give mankind a beating_

Hate. I always feel it now, I hate everything that's happening around me. I turned to the music, but most is idiotic, pointless even. Sometimes in the back of my mind I feel the need to kill whoever created those songs that take away my small moments of peace.

_And you might say it's self-destructive_  
_But, you see, i'd kick the bucket_  
_Sixty times before i'd kick the habit _

They wouldn't like it, they would want me to stop. Selfish bastards.. Stop! Don't think like that, they're your family! Then if they're like your family why would you rather die then stop for them?

_And as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought_  
_That even if i quit_  
_There's not a chance in hell i'd stop_

I love my team, I really do, but I don't think I could stop even for them. I would miss the relief, the euphoria, there's not a chance in hell I'd stop.

_And anyone can see the signs_  
_Mittens in the summertime_  
_Thank you for your pity, you are too kind_

Why don't they see it? Anyone could recongize the signs! They're profilers for Gods sake! JJs sister even commited suicide and she memorized all the signs! Although I am a profiler too.. I try to hide this from them but who wouldn't? They see I'm upset, I suppose thank you for bothering to pity me..

_And you might say its self-inflicted _  
_But you see that's contradictive_  
_Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?_

They would think it's my fault that I do this. That's stupid, why would anyone try to actually destroy themselves?

_And pain opinions are sitcom feeding_  
_They dont know that their minds are teething_  
_Makes me want to give mankind a beating_

Everything I see around me about self harm and suicide angers me. It's like it's a joke to everyone who hasn't gone through it! I hate everyone who does that, I hope I have a chance to kill them..

_I'm tried bandages and sinking_  
_I've tried gloves and even thinking _

_I've tried vaseline_  
_I've tried everything_

I've tried every single way possible to hide the marks and I've wanted to try every possible way to off myself but I'm terrified_._

_And no-one cares if your back is bleeding_  
_They're concerned with their hair receding_  
_Looking back it was all maltreating_  
_Every thought that occurred misleading_

_Makes me want to give myself a beating... _

They never cared, they never will care if anything happens to me. I'm sorry and goodbye.. _With that he slid the blade across his skin one more time and bled.._


End file.
